Transplants

A revelation of my own

"I can see God crying while I was going through this (uterine rupture), wanting to help but knowing in His wisdom that I would become a stronger woman and closer to Him from this experience. It makes me think of how we, as mothers, must sometimes sit back and watch our children make their own mistakes no matter how badly we want to spare them the pain."

Kathleen Fellows

November 10, 2008

Convicted 10/10/08

This word churns up many images. I once read an email from a friend that her husband had been convicted and I just about flipped out! It turned out he'd been convicted by God to enlarge the size of their family. What a blessing! But not what I knew of conviction.

After this past weekend I have been convicted to commit myself to my husband and children. This is not the first time I have felt this call. This time I have been prepared to receive it. My baby died so now I have a new-found appreciation for my other blessings. My husband and I almost lost each other so I am working with all that is in me to keep him. In Bible study we have been studying Proverbs and I am learning how to seek after wisdom. I have been blessed with scripture to remind me to hold on to the lessons I have learned.

Revelations 3:3,11 3)Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you. 11)I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown.

On November 7th I left for an Above Rubies http://www.aboverubies.org/ retreat in Silverton, OR. I had never been on one of these retreats alone. I knew I would be surrounded by babies and pregnant women, yet God called me to attend-to step outside my comfort zone. I got a late start and even had to turn around because I'd left one of my bags at home. I was feeling discouraged and almost backed out. Still, I felt God calling me. So I hit the road.

Along the way I was listening to The Fish. God seemed to speaking to me through every song. I cried so much I almost had to pull over. I cried out to God and I cried tears of loss and pain. I asked God for clarity that I might know His purpose for me attending this retreat. As I got closer to the camp I saw a street sign "Mt. Hope Road." God wanted me to know I have hope in Him. I started crying again. A song came on the radio telling about stepping outside our comfort zones. I turned off the radio and I asked God how much He expected me to endure.

I arrived late so I went straight to the meeting area so I wouldn't miss a bit of Nancy's talk. She is a most amazing woman, inspired by the Holy Spirit to share God's vision for mothers as set forth in His word. When I entered the hall there were babies galore and pregnant mommies all around. I wanted to run to my car and drive away. Instead I checked in and sat myself at a table in the back. I felt like I was in high school again, standing outside of the groups hoping someone would invite me into their circle. I even hoped someone would ask me to hold her baby for a moment.

As Nancy began to speak she didn't say anything I hadn't heard at some of her other retreats or read in her magazine. Still I stayed and took notes. She spoke of the gift of a woman's fertility and I felt my heart break. When my uterus ruptured they were unable to save either Caleb or my uterus. This is a very difficult loss for me deal with so hearing her speak against (voluntary) sterilization hurt.

After the evening session I went to my cabin which I knew I would be sharing with babies and mommies. I arrived when everyone else was tucked into bed. There were 6 other women, at least 2 pregnant, and 3 babies. One mom in the bunk across from mine was reading to her little boy, trying to coax him to settle down. I thought I heard her call him Caleb. My heart screamed "WHY, God!?" The next day at breakfast I met Caleb. He greeted me with a huge smile. I realized then that I had slept better that night than I had in almost a year. I decided I need to have a Caleb around at bedtime.

The next session was so humbling for me. All of them touched me on some level. This was a life-changing weekend full of lessons and friendship.

I met women who live in my own city and others who live nearby. During our afternoon break one woman invited me to go into town with her. As she shopped and tried on some clothes she asked me to hold her beautiful baby girl. I was so blessed. She told me I had touched her heart to make positive changes in her life. Was this the purpose for which God had brought me to this retreat? I met a woman with a heart for saving unborn babies with disabilities. I met 2 women who used to attend my church.

I came away from this weekend with a desire for my husband that I haven't known, at this level, in 15 years. I want to honor my husband. I want to train and guide and lead our flock so they will make wise choices and avoid the mistakes I have made. I want to be a mother they will "arise...and call...blessed." (See Proverbs 31:28)

I have been presented with so much that I want to gift to my family yet I want to do it in a way they will receive and keep with them. I don't want this to be a "honeymoon" change. I want it to be a lasting foundation they will carry with them and pass on to their children. Last night, although Matt and I had a marriage improvement class, we sat down as a family to eat and pray. I felt so blessed to be able to give this to my children. More importantly I have given them a mother who will not be quick to yell but will be quick to lovingly discipline them.

This morning I shared devotions with my husband, had Bible study with my best friend, then sat down to breakfast with my WHOLE family where Matt read scripture and prayed over each one of us. I lifted him up to God for protection from the things of this world determined to undermine his fidelity.

So, this is the tip of the iceberg of what happened to me this weekend. I hope to bless my family and others outside of my family and outside of God's will for them. I have found such peace in His will and I pray this peace for everyone.

"I’ve been changed! 07/28/08

I've been newborn. All my life has been rearranged!"

These are the lyrics to a song I used to sing in choir and they completely describe how I feel. Yesterday at church the sermon was on baptism, believer's baptism.

I was baptized as an infant when I couldn't make a choice for myself. I was baptized 6 months after I was married, having entered into a new phase of my life and making my own conscious choice as a believer. Most all of you know the turmoil my life has been through in the past 6 months. Towards the end of the sermon one of the pastor's addressed questions people often ask about baptism. The first question was about rebaptism. I was floored! I have been thinking about this since all this "shizzle" began. I felt like my last baptism was tainted by the betrayal of the person who performed it. I feel like I am living a new life and that my husband and I are renewed in our love for each other.

In the sermon Baptism was described as dying with Christ as we go under the water and being resurrected with Him into new life as we come up out of the water. I decided that I wanted to be rebaptized. Then the big shocker! They were doing NIKE baptisms; Just Do It! They had black t-shirts and shorts for anyone who wanted to come down and be baptized, spontaneous and in the moment like the Ethiopian Eunuch who met Phillip on the road to Gaza (Acts 8:26-40).

I decided then that I was going to be rebaptized. I gathered my children and we walked forward, then people started coming forward in large numbers. I'd be willing to bet that there were at least 20 of us who came forward at that service. It was so moving. Parents and siblings were being baptized together. Friends were being baptized together. I wanted Matt to be there but he was chasing Ian off the stage away from the guitars. They were right behind the baptismal as I went in but I didn't care. It wasn't about them or anyone else there. It was about my desire to be reborn in Christ.

I have felt a new sense of peace and even when feelings come up that bother me I don't let them take over and ruin my serenity. I still cry but now it is because I miss my baby and not because someone has hurt me. I will not let the way others behave dictate my actions. Christ can take those things that bother me away because I have given Him control over my life and these problems are no longer mine to bear. I leave them on the cross with my sins.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The wisdom of Mary Current mood: blessed Mary (age 5) is our wisest child, it seems. Tonight she wanted a bedtime story but decided to tell me one instead. It began with a song. We love you, Caleb. We love you Caleb. We love you. We love you. We love you. It was so much fun and we miss you. We love you, Caleb. We love you Caleb. We love you. We love you. We love you, Caleb. Then she told this story: Once upon a time there was little girl named Mary. She knew the mommy had a baby in her tummy. Then the midwives came to get the baby out but it didn’t work. He just died. Then she went to the hospital and we all went to the hospital. The end. After this she prayed and thanked God for loving us and for taking care of Caleb in Heaven. She had Megan and me in tears.