Rehabilitation. Recovery. Codependence. Clean & Sober.
These catchphrases are known by most everyone, even those never touched by addiction. I have my own past with drugs and alcohol and now I stand on the sidelines, watching and praying as people I love struggle with theirs. Supporting but not enabling. Loving and not excusing.
I've worked through the 12 steps of recovery. It was not for myself that I started this journey, though. I was tagging along to show support for someone. I had my life together.
WAKE UP!!! What a load of malarkey! I may have been able to project the image of a life in control (the true sign of an addict) but inside I struggled with a demon that made me and everyone I loved miserable. My addiction was anger. I turned to it whenever I felt hurt or out of control. It gave me a sense of power, which was preferable to feeling powerless and vulnerable. Anger made me feel like I was in control. I understand this, and my reasons for choosing anger, but I still struggle with it. A LOT! At least now I know why I do it and I can apologize and try to do better. Isn't that the best any of us can do?
Regardless of the addiction, there are steps to recovery. The 12 steps, or the 8 Biblical principles, are a road out of dependence. If we stumble and fall backwards into our old mess, those steps will always be there. It is no good trying to get a running start so you can skip a few. Some are more difficult than others, and those are the ones that can be the most essential to successful recovery. I like to focus on the 4th step. This, in my experience, is the one that sends many people back to their old lifestyles. Or else they skip it, which means they can skip number 5.
"Whew! Dodged a bullet there. This is going to be easier than I thought."
What is so scary about these steps? Step 4 requires us to take a "searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Now, if you are struggling with an addiction, it is quite likely because you are trying to avoid something. Something from your past that hurt you, that you do not want to remember. And now it is time to dredge up the past. It almost seems counterproductive to a life of moving forward, but if we don't clean up the stuff in our past, it has a nasty way of resurfacing and taking over our lives. There is only so much you can stuff into the closet before the door is going to burst wide open and reveal the mess that is your life. Better to tackle that mess one piece at a time, dealing with each issue and storing up the important lessons or memories without holding onto the junk itself.
We get ourselves back by getting back to the cause of our pain or fear, but that requires opening the door and facing the years of baggage we have been avoiding unpacking. The longer we wait to do this, the more crap there will be to deal with. That doesn't mean we can't do it. It only means we will need to rely on help from others. People who have had to sort through their own messes. We cannot recover in isolation. We must refuse to live in shame. Everyone has a past and no one can judge you without also judging himself.
When we indulge in destructive behaviors we need to "get back, Loretta" and take a look at why. It won't always be easy and sometimes it will be downright ugly. Do it anyway and get yourself back.
