Monday, August 4, 2014

With a Grateful Heart

2014 has been a year of commitments, resolutions, and change.

As the year began, I decided to follow my sister and friend who were posting, on social media, something they were thankful for every day.  This is a wonderful way to take the focus off of our troubles, large and small, long enough to realize that while there is breath in us, we have something to be thankful for.


Most days it has been easy to find something to give thanks for.  Only once or twice did I struggle to think of anything.  The point is that I did.  I reached deep down beyond my hurt feelings or wounded pride to find a reason to give thanks.

Tonight, I am feeling my cup of thankfulness overflowing.  The events of this past week have highlighted for me how much I have changed.  That thing I used to run away and hide from has enabled me to become someone I never believed I could be.  Tonight, I am thankful for change.

It is strange to realize that just 7 years ago, I was a captive.  For 15 years, I had allowed myself to be deceived.  I placed people on pedestals and believed that God wanted me to emulate them.  It was comfortable letting these people be my world because I didn't need to think for myself or step outside of my comfort zone.  In retrospect, I understand that it was to protect themselves from being found out that they isolated me.  It was as though I had been kidnapped and brainwashed.  My captors were my saviors. 

How could I have been so gullible?  This had happened before with an abusive boyfriend and I was wise enough to break free from those chains.  The difference this time was that these people never openly hurt me.  Everything they said and did seemed for my own good.  When I opened up about my experience to my birth son, he told me a story about a frog in a pot of boiling water.  I had never heard it before. He said that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it is going to hop out.  But the frog that is put into a pot of cold water will stay as the water is slowly brought to a boil around him.  By the time he realizes he is in hot water, it's too late.

Thankfully, for me it was not too late.  What looked as though my world was crumbling around me was really a necessary demolition to make way for a complete remodel.  Not to sound like a Disney movie, but for the first time in forever I was without my constant friend and companion.  I was alone in the cold, grieving without the person I had relied on for so long.  I had nowhere to turn but to God.  He had always been right by my side but I was blinded by hero-worship.  I imagined He had placed these people in my life to make me a better person, and in a way they had.  The lessons I have taken from that experience are ones I will never forget, and I will share them with others that they might avoid the same pitfalls.  God has always been with me, just walking along side until I let go of my crutches so that He could carry me into a new relationship with Him. 

The transformation in me has been physical, spiritual, and emotional.  The outward changes are just a posit
ive side-effect of the inward ones.  I went out into my neighborhood and spoke to people.  I went to a new church and accepted help from strangers who wanted nothing but to serve me. I opened my eyes to the problems in my home life and sought help.  I began to work on my relationship with Christ in ways I never had before.  I stepped into a leadership position and was blessed by the people God put in my path.  I was encouraged by the positive examples of others and I

decided that I could do good things for myself.  I have been challenged to do more, be better, give more, grow more.

The greatest gift to rise out of the ashes of tragedy has been the abundance of friends I have gained.  I am not talking about social media "friends."  I mean real live human beings.  I understand that God wants me to live in community with other people, not to hide from them.  I can learn from them and give to them.  We won't all become lifelong companions.  Some will leave as quickly as they came.  I am learning discernment.  I am still quick to trust and believe the best in people, but now I do not close my eyes to their faults.  These faults are what make us real.  Anyone who seems to good to be true probably is. 

God has given me so much to be thankful for.  My family whom I cherish, my husband who I love more now than ever, my health, and my friends.  I used to say that I had three friends, and I was only half joking.  There were a few people I confided in and I didn't alow room in my life for acquaintances.  Now my friends are so numerous, I feel like the richest woman in the world.  One day when we were walking through the church building, one of my children noted that I knew a lot of people as woman after woman passed by and addressed me by name.  It was humbling to realize that so many people had taken the time to get to know my name.  I was somebody worth knowing!

For this, I am truly thankful.

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