Here it is again. That nasty thing called change. I write about it a lot because it helps me to process things. Like an introvert who thinks out loud, driving those around him nuts when they respond and he continues the oral yet internal dialogue. So read on if you have any interest at all in the inner workings of my twisted little mind.
I have known for the past couple of years that my childcare duties would be slowing down and I have recently been considering if I would take on any new clients or move on to a new venture. Today I got the news that I will be going to part time childcare this fall. I am torn. Am I sad, excited, scared out of my mind?! While I think I have made great strides in this area, change is not my favorite thing.
I am looking forward to having a little more freedom in my day. Maybe take more hikes or more educational field trips with those still home schooling. Whatever I choose to do to augment the household income, it will have to be something I can do in my underwear, or at least without getting out of my pajamas.
Today I have been researching getting a license to do commercial baking in my home. I fear the requirements will necessitate a complete kitchen remodel. I want to be a financial help, not a walking, talking money pit! I joined a website to link me up with proofreading and blogging jobs. Finally, I can use my Nazi-esque grammar and spelling obsession to my advantage, and not get punched in the mouth!
I have even asked for ideas from friends on Facebook. Some of these people know me a little bit and others know me too well for my own good. So far nothing extreme has been suggested. Baking, tutoring, writing, public speaking. It was even suggested I do MORE childcare. Which led to my next idea.
I did notice they are looking for "dancers" at a local "steak house." It fits the working-in-my-underwear requirement! My darling husband said I'd probably look better than any of the talent they had. I decided not to turn it into a "How would you know?" fight and instead pointed out a few of my less than desirable features: stretch marks, sagging breasts, twin skin and triplet flap. Trust me, you don't want to know. These lovely badges of honor remain, even after all of my hard-earned weight loss. Besides, the only dancing I know how to do is Jazzercise and I'm pretty sure I resemble a spastic albatross doing that.
Oh yeah. I also don't think people should sell sex. Silly me!
My foray into comedy has been on hold so long that I have a renewed sense of dread when I think of getting on stage. It was a terrifying adrenaline rush and, unlike running a race, I do not feel like getting right back on stage and repeating the experience as soon as it is over. I want to hurl. Besides, when you get on stage in your underwear, people expect a different kind of performance. I refer you to paragraph six above.
*beep*
Ooh! An email from the Oregon Department of Agriculture. Thank you, Christine S., Food Safety Specialist, for the virtual stack of forms. Or should that be a stack of virtual forms? I suppose it's time to get real or go home. Wait.....
Time to slip into my underwear and get to work!
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Getting Back
Rehabilitation. Recovery. Codependence. Clean & Sober.
These catchphrases are known by most everyone, even those never touched by addiction. I have my own past with drugs and alcohol and now I stand on the sidelines, watching and praying as people I love struggle with theirs. Supporting but not enabling. Loving and not excusing.
I've worked through the 12 steps of recovery. It was not for myself that I started this journey, though. I was tagging along to show support for someone. I had my life together.
WAKE UP!!! What a load of malarkey! I may have been able to project the image of a life in control (the true sign of an addict) but inside I struggled with a demon that made me and everyone I loved miserable. My addiction was anger. I turned to it whenever I felt hurt or out of control. It gave me a sense of power, which was preferable to feeling powerless and vulnerable. Anger made me feel like I was in control. I understand this, and my reasons for choosing anger, but I still struggle with it. A LOT! At least now I know why I do it and I can apologize and try to do better. Isn't that the best any of us can do?
Regardless of the addiction, there are steps to recovery. The 12 steps, or the 8 Biblical principles, are a road out of dependence. If we stumble and fall backwards into our old mess, those steps will always be there. It is no good trying to get a running start so you can skip a few. Some are more difficult than others, and those are the ones that can be the most essential to successful recovery. I like to focus on the 4th step. This, in my experience, is the one that sends many people back to their old lifestyles. Or else they skip it, which means they can skip number 5.
"Whew! Dodged a bullet there. This is going to be easier than I thought."
What is so scary about these steps? Step 4 requires us to take a "searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Now, if you are struggling with an addiction, it is quite likely because you are trying to avoid something. Something from your past that hurt you, that you do not want to remember. And now it is time to dredge up the past. It almost seems counterproductive to a life of moving forward, but if we don't clean up the stuff in our past, it has a nasty way of resurfacing and taking over our lives. There is only so much you can stuff into the closet before the door is going to burst wide open and reveal the mess that is your life. Better to tackle that mess one piece at a time, dealing with each issue and storing up the important lessons or memories without holding onto the junk itself.
We get ourselves back by getting back to the cause of our pain or fear, but that requires opening the door and facing the years of baggage we have been avoiding unpacking. The longer we wait to do this, the more crap there will be to deal with. That doesn't mean we can't do it. It only means we will need to rely on help from others. People who have had to sort through their own messes. We cannot recover in isolation. We must refuse to live in shame. Everyone has a past and no one can judge you without also judging himself.
When we indulge in destructive behaviors we need to "get back, Loretta" and take a look at why. It won't always be easy and sometimes it will be downright ugly. Do it anyway and get yourself back.
These catchphrases are known by most everyone, even those never touched by addiction. I have my own past with drugs and alcohol and now I stand on the sidelines, watching and praying as people I love struggle with theirs. Supporting but not enabling. Loving and not excusing.
I've worked through the 12 steps of recovery. It was not for myself that I started this journey, though. I was tagging along to show support for someone. I had my life together.
WAKE UP!!! What a load of malarkey! I may have been able to project the image of a life in control (the true sign of an addict) but inside I struggled with a demon that made me and everyone I loved miserable. My addiction was anger. I turned to it whenever I felt hurt or out of control. It gave me a sense of power, which was preferable to feeling powerless and vulnerable. Anger made me feel like I was in control. I understand this, and my reasons for choosing anger, but I still struggle with it. A LOT! At least now I know why I do it and I can apologize and try to do better. Isn't that the best any of us can do?
Regardless of the addiction, there are steps to recovery. The 12 steps, or the 8 Biblical principles, are a road out of dependence. If we stumble and fall backwards into our old mess, those steps will always be there. It is no good trying to get a running start so you can skip a few. Some are more difficult than others, and those are the ones that can be the most essential to successful recovery. I like to focus on the 4th step. This, in my experience, is the one that sends many people back to their old lifestyles. Or else they skip it, which means they can skip number 5.
"Whew! Dodged a bullet there. This is going to be easier than I thought."
What is so scary about these steps? Step 4 requires us to take a "searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Now, if you are struggling with an addiction, it is quite likely because you are trying to avoid something. Something from your past that hurt you, that you do not want to remember. And now it is time to dredge up the past. It almost seems counterproductive to a life of moving forward, but if we don't clean up the stuff in our past, it has a nasty way of resurfacing and taking over our lives. There is only so much you can stuff into the closet before the door is going to burst wide open and reveal the mess that is your life. Better to tackle that mess one piece at a time, dealing with each issue and storing up the important lessons or memories without holding onto the junk itself.
We get ourselves back by getting back to the cause of our pain or fear, but that requires opening the door and facing the years of baggage we have been avoiding unpacking. The longer we wait to do this, the more crap there will be to deal with. That doesn't mean we can't do it. It only means we will need to rely on help from others. People who have had to sort through their own messes. We cannot recover in isolation. We must refuse to live in shame. Everyone has a past and no one can judge you without also judging himself.
When we indulge in destructive behaviors we need to "get back, Loretta" and take a look at why. It won't always be easy and sometimes it will be downright ugly. Do it anyway and get yourself back.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
........Is Change
Just a couple of days ago, I wrote a blog about change and how much I love* it. (*See: sarcasm)
Change is uncertain. Uncertainty leads to worry. Worry distracts us from God when we need to rely on Him the most. Does this mean change is bad? Change is from God. He designed the world with the plan that all life in it would reproduce and grow. Change. Even the simple act of flowing water can carve a canyon out of solid rock. Change.
There was one change that was not from God. He did not introduce sin into this world. All change that has come from that first sin is not from Him. Disease and death are not from Him, but He does offer us redemption, healing, comfort and peace; oases in this desert of sin.
You see, change IS uncertain. Uncertainty can also lead to anticipation and hope! Hope is from God. Hope is what keeps us from giving up. It keeps us trying to make things better in the face of adversity. If I burn a cake, I do not walk out of the kitchen and never cook again. When a child makes an error in school work, he does not drop out. When a loved one dies from cancer, we do not give up. We learn from our mistakes. We continue to support organizations in searching for a cure. We hope.
Hope is the enemy of worry.
Last night, I saw my son having a seizure. This was the first time I had ever seen something like this and it was terrifying to see it happening to my child. I called 9-1-1 and we waited for help to arrive. The other children all milled around, helping to clean up and checking on their brother. Someone asked if he was going to be okay. I said "Yes!" Then came the question, "How do you know?"
I kneeled over Ian and kissed him and said, "Because God is taking care of him. God won't let anything bad happen to him."
As we rode to the hospital, many thoughts raced through my mind. Does he have epilepsy? How is this going to change our lives? How can I do anything if I am worried that Ian will have another seizure? I realized that I cannot live my life in worry. I have to give all of these fears to God. He can give me the peace to be able to carry on. We will all need to learn more about seizures and what we should and should not do, but we cannot put Ian in a bubble and stare at him waiting for another seizure to happen. We must follow up with qualified physicians who can help us to understand all of this. We will arm ourselves with knowledge, another change God has given us. Learning is constant and, as we learn, we change. We have already spent some time doing research on autism and seizures. We will probably come up with many more questions than answers, at first. These questions will afford us more opportunities to learn, to change.
As Ian regained coherence, we sang and we prayed together. He talked to Jesus in a way that I know only Jesus would understand. This gives me hope. I know that Ian has a relationship with God that I cannot comprehend. When I say that God won't let anything bad happen to Ian, it means that I feel confident that he is saved. His eternity is assured. Illness and even death are not the worst things that can happen to a person. To die without having a relationship with God is.
My hope is in a Savior who has paid the price that I might spend eternity in paradise with my creator. I made the choice to change my life from one of running away from God to one of seeking and embracing Him.
This is change I can get behind.
Change is uncertain. Uncertainty leads to worry. Worry distracts us from God when we need to rely on Him the most. Does this mean change is bad? Change is from God. He designed the world with the plan that all life in it would reproduce and grow. Change. Even the simple act of flowing water can carve a canyon out of solid rock. Change.
There was one change that was not from God. He did not introduce sin into this world. All change that has come from that first sin is not from Him. Disease and death are not from Him, but He does offer us redemption, healing, comfort and peace; oases in this desert of sin.
You see, change IS uncertain. Uncertainty can also lead to anticipation and hope! Hope is from God. Hope is what keeps us from giving up. It keeps us trying to make things better in the face of adversity. If I burn a cake, I do not walk out of the kitchen and never cook again. When a child makes an error in school work, he does not drop out. When a loved one dies from cancer, we do not give up. We learn from our mistakes. We continue to support organizations in searching for a cure. We hope.
Hope is the enemy of worry.
Last night, I saw my son having a seizure. This was the first time I had ever seen something like this and it was terrifying to see it happening to my child. I called 9-1-1 and we waited for help to arrive. The other children all milled around, helping to clean up and checking on their brother. Someone asked if he was going to be okay. I said "Yes!" Then came the question, "How do you know?"
I kneeled over Ian and kissed him and said, "Because God is taking care of him. God won't let anything bad happen to him."
As we rode to the hospital, many thoughts raced through my mind. Does he have epilepsy? How is this going to change our lives? How can I do anything if I am worried that Ian will have another seizure? I realized that I cannot live my life in worry. I have to give all of these fears to God. He can give me the peace to be able to carry on. We will all need to learn more about seizures and what we should and should not do, but we cannot put Ian in a bubble and stare at him waiting for another seizure to happen. We must follow up with qualified physicians who can help us to understand all of this. We will arm ourselves with knowledge, another change God has given us. Learning is constant and, as we learn, we change. We have already spent some time doing research on autism and seizures. We will probably come up with many more questions than answers, at first. These questions will afford us more opportunities to learn, to change.
As Ian regained coherence, we sang and we prayed together. He talked to Jesus in a way that I know only Jesus would understand. This gives me hope. I know that Ian has a relationship with God that I cannot comprehend. When I say that God won't let anything bad happen to Ian, it means that I feel confident that he is saved. His eternity is assured. Illness and even death are not the worst things that can happen to a person. To die without having a relationship with God is.
My hope is in a Savior who has paid the price that I might spend eternity in paradise with my creator. I made the choice to change my life from one of running away from God to one of seeking and embracing Him.
This is change I can get behind.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
The Only Constant......
Those who know me best know that change is not my cup of tea. What made me think parenting would be the right choice for me? Babies are cute but they don't stay babies forever. They get bigger and more mobile and learn to talk and become independent and grow up and....
What happens in that .... is a whole lot of living and growing and messing up and learning from their own mistakes. No matter how much we try to protect them, they must strike out on their own. It isn't just about not wanting them to fail. There is a whole lot of ego involved. Did I do a good enough job as a parent? Have I prepared them for a world that doesn't always align with our values? If they choose different paths than the one we have guided them on so far, how does that make us look?
I do not want to see my children struggle, and by that I don't mean that they shouldn't have to work for anything. I know life is full of difficulties and hard work is character building. I just pray that they will avoid the same pit stops I made along my journey. The most important lessons I have tried to impart haven't been in reading, writing, and arithmetic. They have been about life experiences I would like them to avoid and the kind of life I, and God, would like them to pursue.
Whatever path each of my children chooses to follow, I want their choices to glorify God. I am living proof that just because a person chooses the highway to hell doesn't mean she cannot change her itinerary to take the stairway to heaven. One appears an exciting ride while the other seems like a tedious climb. If there is one thing I have learned in recent years it is the joy of not taking shortcuts. Whether it is hiking the longer, steeper trail to a magnificent view or making something beautiful and delicious from scratch, the extra time and effort is its own reward.
As I watch Nathan follow his artistic passion with enthusiasm, I am excited and afraid for him. It is joyous to see him nurture and embrace his talents. At the same time, I fear he is not prepared for how hard it is going to be to make it into a career. He has a part-time job in food service. He has just received his learner's permit. We need to teach him how to drive and how to budget wisely on very little income. He may be finished with his academic career, but our job as teachers is far from over.
Our other children still need us very much, but Nathan is a young man taking on new responsibilities. This is the part of parenting I think we can never be prepared for. I only hope experience makes it easier.
No comments from the peanut gallery, please.
What happens in that .... is a whole lot of living and growing and messing up and learning from their own mistakes. No matter how much we try to protect them, they must strike out on their own. It isn't just about not wanting them to fail. There is a whole lot of ego involved. Did I do a good enough job as a parent? Have I prepared them for a world that doesn't always align with our values? If they choose different paths than the one we have guided them on so far, how does that make us look?
I do not want to see my children struggle, and by that I don't mean that they shouldn't have to work for anything. I know life is full of difficulties and hard work is character building. I just pray that they will avoid the same pit stops I made along my journey. The most important lessons I have tried to impart haven't been in reading, writing, and arithmetic. They have been about life experiences I would like them to avoid and the kind of life I, and God, would like them to pursue.
Whatever path each of my children chooses to follow, I want their choices to glorify God. I am living proof that just because a person chooses the highway to hell doesn't mean she cannot change her itinerary to take the stairway to heaven. One appears an exciting ride while the other seems like a tedious climb. If there is one thing I have learned in recent years it is the joy of not taking shortcuts. Whether it is hiking the longer, steeper trail to a magnificent view or making something beautiful and delicious from scratch, the extra time and effort is its own reward.
As I watch Nathan follow his artistic passion with enthusiasm, I am excited and afraid for him. It is joyous to see him nurture and embrace his talents. At the same time, I fear he is not prepared for how hard it is going to be to make it into a career. He has a part-time job in food service. He has just received his learner's permit. We need to teach him how to drive and how to budget wisely on very little income. He may be finished with his academic career, but our job as teachers is far from over.
Our other children still need us very much, but Nathan is a young man taking on new responsibilities. This is the part of parenting I think we can never be prepared for. I only hope experience makes it easier.
No comments from the peanut gallery, please.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Growing Up
I am not sure if I'm ready for this. My children are growing up and reaching milestones that will require me to act like a grown up. When did I sign up for this?
We have been raising our children with the idea of courtship rather than dating. The plan is to get to know another person with the guidance of family. No going out on dates and "playing grown-up" with nothing to rein in the raging hormones but self control, which hasn't been proven to exist yet. This has all been fine in theory, but now we need to put our theory to the test. This has to do with our oldest son, who is nearly 18. At this point it is really his decision to make. This is only the second time he has expressed an interest in a girl. Both times he has wanted to introduce the girls to me immediately. Each time I get butterflies. What, exactly, is my role in this? I am happy that he wants to include me in this, or any, part of his life. However, I wonder if we have taught him all we could, or should, about pursuing a relationship with a young woman.
Have we impressed upon him the importance of respect? Respect for himself and for all other people. Have we taught him about responsibility? He doesn't have a job yet. He has dreams and ambitions but he has yet to channel these into a paying job. Have we given him a sufficient understanding of his need to be able to provide for himself and someone else before asking her to invest in him?
We are not experts in these areas. Mostly, we serve as a cautionary tale. I can tell him about the heartbreak of giving up a child I was not prepared for. We can offer our past lives as an example of the damage drugs and alcohol can do to a person-physically, emotionally, spiritually. Our financial struggles point to a path of living on credit instead of living within our means. What we are doing now, making better choices for ourselves and our children, stand as a testimony to God's healing power and forgiveness.
I guess we just have to trust that we have gotten through to him. We must pray that God will help us to be good role models from this day forward. We have done our best to protect him while still teaching him about the world in which we live. We will be here to support him as he navigates his way through the world of male/female relationships. He knows what we believe and what we want for him. He has specific plans for his life and I hope he will continue to pursue those plans. We cannot make his decisions for him but we will listen to him and pray for and with him.
Tonight, our eldest son called a girl and invited her and her family to dine with us. They have found they have common interests. Does this mean we are headed down the road of courtship? Only God knows. I pray we will have our hearts and eyes open to read all the signs He will place before us.
Growing up is scary!
We have been raising our children with the idea of courtship rather than dating. The plan is to get to know another person with the guidance of family. No going out on dates and "playing grown-up" with nothing to rein in the raging hormones but self control, which hasn't been proven to exist yet. This has all been fine in theory, but now we need to put our theory to the test. This has to do with our oldest son, who is nearly 18. At this point it is really his decision to make. This is only the second time he has expressed an interest in a girl. Both times he has wanted to introduce the girls to me immediately. Each time I get butterflies. What, exactly, is my role in this? I am happy that he wants to include me in this, or any, part of his life. However, I wonder if we have taught him all we could, or should, about pursuing a relationship with a young woman.
Have we impressed upon him the importance of respect? Respect for himself and for all other people. Have we taught him about responsibility? He doesn't have a job yet. He has dreams and ambitions but he has yet to channel these into a paying job. Have we given him a sufficient understanding of his need to be able to provide for himself and someone else before asking her to invest in him?
We are not experts in these areas. Mostly, we serve as a cautionary tale. I can tell him about the heartbreak of giving up a child I was not prepared for. We can offer our past lives as an example of the damage drugs and alcohol can do to a person-physically, emotionally, spiritually. Our financial struggles point to a path of living on credit instead of living within our means. What we are doing now, making better choices for ourselves and our children, stand as a testimony to God's healing power and forgiveness.
I guess we just have to trust that we have gotten through to him. We must pray that God will help us to be good role models from this day forward. We have done our best to protect him while still teaching him about the world in which we live. We will be here to support him as he navigates his way through the world of male/female relationships. He knows what we believe and what we want for him. He has specific plans for his life and I hope he will continue to pursue those plans. We cannot make his decisions for him but we will listen to him and pray for and with him.
Tonight, our eldest son called a girl and invited her and her family to dine with us. They have found they have common interests. Does this mean we are headed down the road of courtship? Only God knows. I pray we will have our hearts and eyes open to read all the signs He will place before us.
Growing up is scary!
Monday, March 24, 2014
Spring
I love the fall, especially here in the Pacific Northwest. There is no better season, but spring has its good points.
My birthday is right smack dab in the middle of spring. The skies are clear and blue and this lends itself to long days of hiking. The children can play outside without getting chilled, and the computers get a much-needed rest.
I also spend much less time on the internet. This translates to fewer blogs. Right now, I am sitting on my couch telling my children to get outside into the sunshine. Ridiculous! Just so I can have something posted this week. Preposterous! I am going to get off my derriere and do something offline. I'll be back to post again when the sun goes down, or when I have something worthwhile (in my mind) to say.
Now step away from your computer, and go soak up some sunshine before it goes into hiding.*
*This is specifically aimed at people located in Portland, Oregon.
My birthday is right smack dab in the middle of spring. The skies are clear and blue and this lends itself to long days of hiking. The children can play outside without getting chilled, and the computers get a much-needed rest.
I also spend much less time on the internet. This translates to fewer blogs. Right now, I am sitting on my couch telling my children to get outside into the sunshine. Ridiculous! Just so I can have something posted this week. Preposterous! I am going to get off my derriere and do something offline. I'll be back to post again when the sun goes down, or when I have something worthwhile (in my mind) to say.
Now step away from your computer, and go soak up some sunshine before it goes into hiding.*
*This is specifically aimed at people located in Portland, Oregon.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Words......
At church, we have been having a message series on words for the past few weeks. Their ability to build up or tear down. Their ability to speak truth or lies. Their ability to hurt or to heal.
We all have experience with the power of words. My mother related a story from her childhood about how the careless use of words can leave scars that never go away. I teach this to my children and I ask them to be honest with me if my words hurt them. I was bullied with words for the better part of my childhood so I am grateful to have had parents who used their words to build me up. I have used words to make someone else feel as bad as I did, and I carried that guilt around for years, until I chose to apologize.
The words we choose not to say can be just as powerful as the ones we do speak. When we choose not to say something hurtful, we choose not to plant weeds in our hearts or the hearts of others. But wouldn't it be better to say something kind rather than nothing at all? Tell people you are proud of them, or that you love them. Tell someone how much you appreciate them in your life. You might think they know, but hearing it could be the one thing that gets them through the day with a smile instead of anger.
Words of condolence can be very difficult. We all want to dispense words of wisdom that will help the bereaved through his time of grief, but we don't want to sound cliché. The perfect words that will offer comfort but not come off sounding like we know what he is going through. Profound words. Meaningful words. When we can't find the perfect words, we often say nothing. All we need to say is "I love you."
Kind and loving words are meant to be shared. Left unspoken, they can be the bitterest words of all.
We all have experience with the power of words. My mother related a story from her childhood about how the careless use of words can leave scars that never go away. I teach this to my children and I ask them to be honest with me if my words hurt them. I was bullied with words for the better part of my childhood so I am grateful to have had parents who used their words to build me up. I have used words to make someone else feel as bad as I did, and I carried that guilt around for years, until I chose to apologize.
The words we choose not to say can be just as powerful as the ones we do speak. When we choose not to say something hurtful, we choose not to plant weeds in our hearts or the hearts of others. But wouldn't it be better to say something kind rather than nothing at all? Tell people you are proud of them, or that you love them. Tell someone how much you appreciate them in your life. You might think they know, but hearing it could be the one thing that gets them through the day with a smile instead of anger.
Words of condolence can be very difficult. We all want to dispense words of wisdom that will help the bereaved through his time of grief, but we don't want to sound cliché. The perfect words that will offer comfort but not come off sounding like we know what he is going through. Profound words. Meaningful words. When we can't find the perfect words, we often say nothing. All we need to say is "I love you."
Kind and loving words are meant to be shared. Left unspoken, they can be the bitterest words of all.
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