Can you guess the topic of this blog? It's the same as 90% of the blogs published in the last 24 hours. Who am I to be an individual?
There is a lot to be said about suicide. From the perspective of those left behind, it appears to be a totally irrational and selfish act. How could anyone not know or care that their actions will hurt so many others? Don't they know that tomorrow is another day? Suicide is permanent whereas their problems are temporary.
From the other side, the dark side, things look very different. I won't presume to know how it is for all people who suffer with depression or who have contemplated/attempted suicide. I will only speak from my own knowledge.
I grew up not liking myself very much. My parents built me up but the effects of my peers beating me down were stronger. I knew I was loved at home, but I didn't feel liked anywhere else. I sought to please the adults in my life because I couldn't win with other children. The accolades only served to ostracize the other kids. Because I wasn't accepted or invited into the "in" crowd, I lost confidence in my abilities. Where I once enjoyed creating beautiful things (My dad was my biggest fan and encourager calling me his artsy craftsy girl), I decided to give up trying when my work didn't measure up to the standards of the other kids. There wasn't anything I could do about being short and freckled and redheaded and apparently these were things to be despised.
Fast forward to puberty and hormone hell. Mix these with the aforementioned self-hatred and it is easy to see where things could take an ugly turn. I remember being home sick from school one day. I was doing some required reading and got caught up in the story of a troubled girl who had turned to drugs and alcohol and sex to escape her pain. I am pretty sure that wasn't the lesson the school was hoping we would take away. It didn't end well for the character, but I figured it was worth a try. What I found was more self-loathing and I was sure that no one else could understand how I felt.
Later on, I fell in love with an abusive person. I would be the woman who could save him. Deep down inside I knew I was wrong, but at least I wasn't alone. He accepted me. I had a couple of close friends but I was too ashamed to tell them what I had gotten myself into. One day I hit a place so low that I attempted to take my life. I remember the way it played out. It was as if I was outside of myself. I could see myself going through the motions of my job, but I was making preparations to kill myself. Nothing held any joy for me. I wasn't thinking of the family who loved me. All I could see was my pain. A pain so dark it blocked out all light. I did not yet have a personal relationship with my Savior, so there was no hope as far as I could tell.
My first attempt was unsuccessful, and I was hospitalized for a week. This left me with bills I could not afford to pay. Fear set in. I found myself homeless and out of work, and still with the same boyfriend. My self worth was non-existent. I was no good to anyone, completely useless. Two more overdoses left me sick but still alive. I do not remember when or how I came to my senses, but I finally rid myself of the man who only sought to drag me down to his level. This was not the end of my darkness, however. I continued to devalue myself and it is only by the grace of God that I did not end up dead in a ditch somewhere.
I know that my depression was not a chemical imbalance, but it was very real just the same. I am grateful to have found hope in Jesus Christ. I found my worth in Him. He saved me from my attempts to destroy myself. Without Him, I don't believe I could have survived the pregnancy losses, or the marital turmoil, or the death of our son. Before Jesus, there was only darkness. He shone a light into my life that I can see even in my darkest hours.
So, I understand the people who are saying that faith is the key to survival. It has been the only thing that has kept me alive. I cannot speak about physical depression requiring medical treatment. That is another animal altogether.
I do know that the first step out of darkness is to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. A light called hope.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Monday, August 4, 2014
With a Grateful Heart
2014 has been a year of commitments, resolutions, and change.
As the year began, I decided to follow my sister and friend who were posting, on social media, something they were thankful for every day. This is a wonderful way to take the focus off of our troubles, large and small, long enough to realize that while there is breath in us, we have something to be thankful for.
Most days it has been easy to find something to give thanks for. Only once or twice did I struggle to think of anything. The point is that I did. I reached deep down beyond my hurt feelings or wounded pride to find a reason to give thanks.
Tonight, I am feeling my cup of thankfulness overflowing. The events of this past week have highlighted for me how much I have changed. That thing I used to run away and hide from has enabled me to become someone I never believed I could be. Tonight, I am thankful for change.
It is strange to realize that just 7 years ago, I was a captive. For 15 years, I had allowed myself to be deceived. I placed people on pedestals and believed that God wanted me to emulate them. It was comfortable letting these people be my world because I didn't need to think for myself or step outside of my comfort zone. In retrospect, I understand that it was to protect themselves from being found out that they isolated me. It was as though I had been kidnapped and brainwashed. My captors were my saviors.
How could I have been so gullible? This had happened before with an abusive boyfriend and I was wise enough to break free from those chains. The difference this time was that these people never openly hurt me. Everything they said and did seemed for my own good. When I opened up about my experience to my birth son, he told me a story about a frog in a pot of boiling water. I had never heard it before. He said that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it is going to hop out. But the frog that is put into a pot of cold water will stay as the water is slowly brought to a boil around him. By the time he realizes he is in hot water, it's too late.
Thankfully, for me it was not too late. What looked as though my world was crumbling around me was really a necessary demolition to make way for a complete remodel. Not to sound like a Disney movie, but for the first time in forever I was without my constant friend and companion. I was alone in the cold, grieving without the person I had relied on for so long. I had nowhere to turn but to God. He had always been right by my side but I was blinded by hero-worship. I imagined He had placed these people in my life to make me a better person, and in a way they had. The lessons I have taken from that experience are ones I will never forget, and I will share them with others that they might avoid the same pitfalls. God has always been with me, just walking along side until I let go of my crutches so that He could carry me into a new relationship with Him.
The transformation in me has been physical, spiritual, and emotional. The outward changes are just a positive side-effect of the inward ones. I went out into my neighborhood and spoke to people. I went to a new church and accepted help from strangers who wanted nothing but to serve me. I opened my eyes to the problems in my home life and sought help. I began to work on my relationship with Christ in ways I never had before. I stepped into a leadership position and was blessed by the people God put in my path. I was encouraged by the positive examples of others and I
decided that I could do good things for myself. I have been challenged to do more, be better, give more, grow more.
The greatest gift to rise out of the ashes of tragedy has been the abundance of friends I have gained. I am not talking about social media "friends." I mean real live human beings. I understand that God wants me to live in community with other people, not to hide from them. I can learn from them and give to them. We won't all become lifelong companions. Some will leave as quickly as they came. I am learning discernment. I am still quick to trust and believe the best in people, but now I do not close my eyes to their faults. These faults are what make us real. Anyone who seems to good to be true probably is.
God has given me so much to be thankful for. My family whom I cherish, my husband who I love more now than ever, my health, and my friends. I used to say that I had three friends, and I was only half joking. There were a few people I confided in and I didn't alow room in my life for acquaintances. Now my friends are so numerous, I feel like the richest woman in the world. One day when we were walking through the church building, one of my children noted that I knew a lot of people as woman after woman passed by and addressed me by name. It was humbling to realize that so many people had taken the time to get to know my name. I was somebody worth knowing!
For this, I am truly thankful.
As the year began, I decided to follow my sister and friend who were posting, on social media, something they were thankful for every day. This is a wonderful way to take the focus off of our troubles, large and small, long enough to realize that while there is breath in us, we have something to be thankful for.
Most days it has been easy to find something to give thanks for. Only once or twice did I struggle to think of anything. The point is that I did. I reached deep down beyond my hurt feelings or wounded pride to find a reason to give thanks.
Tonight, I am feeling my cup of thankfulness overflowing. The events of this past week have highlighted for me how much I have changed. That thing I used to run away and hide from has enabled me to become someone I never believed I could be. Tonight, I am thankful for change.
It is strange to realize that just 7 years ago, I was a captive. For 15 years, I had allowed myself to be deceived. I placed people on pedestals and believed that God wanted me to emulate them. It was comfortable letting these people be my world because I didn't need to think for myself or step outside of my comfort zone. In retrospect, I understand that it was to protect themselves from being found out that they isolated me. It was as though I had been kidnapped and brainwashed. My captors were my saviors.
How could I have been so gullible? This had happened before with an abusive boyfriend and I was wise enough to break free from those chains. The difference this time was that these people never openly hurt me. Everything they said and did seemed for my own good. When I opened up about my experience to my birth son, he told me a story about a frog in a pot of boiling water. I had never heard it before. He said that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it is going to hop out. But the frog that is put into a pot of cold water will stay as the water is slowly brought to a boil around him. By the time he realizes he is in hot water, it's too late.
Thankfully, for me it was not too late. What looked as though my world was crumbling around me was really a necessary demolition to make way for a complete remodel. Not to sound like a Disney movie, but for the first time in forever I was without my constant friend and companion. I was alone in the cold, grieving without the person I had relied on for so long. I had nowhere to turn but to God. He had always been right by my side but I was blinded by hero-worship. I imagined He had placed these people in my life to make me a better person, and in a way they had. The lessons I have taken from that experience are ones I will never forget, and I will share them with others that they might avoid the same pitfalls. God has always been with me, just walking along side until I let go of my crutches so that He could carry me into a new relationship with Him.
The transformation in me has been physical, spiritual, and emotional. The outward changes are just a positive side-effect of the inward ones. I went out into my neighborhood and spoke to people. I went to a new church and accepted help from strangers who wanted nothing but to serve me. I opened my eyes to the problems in my home life and sought help. I began to work on my relationship with Christ in ways I never had before. I stepped into a leadership position and was blessed by the people God put in my path. I was encouraged by the positive examples of others and I
decided that I could do good things for myself. I have been challenged to do more, be better, give more, grow more.
The greatest gift to rise out of the ashes of tragedy has been the abundance of friends I have gained. I am not talking about social media "friends." I mean real live human beings. I understand that God wants me to live in community with other people, not to hide from them. I can learn from them and give to them. We won't all become lifelong companions. Some will leave as quickly as they came. I am learning discernment. I am still quick to trust and believe the best in people, but now I do not close my eyes to their faults. These faults are what make us real. Anyone who seems to good to be true probably is.
God has given me so much to be thankful for. My family whom I cherish, my husband who I love more now than ever, my health, and my friends. I used to say that I had three friends, and I was only half joking. There were a few people I confided in and I didn't alow room in my life for acquaintances. Now my friends are so numerous, I feel like the richest woman in the world. One day when we were walking through the church building, one of my children noted that I knew a lot of people as woman after woman passed by and addressed me by name. It was humbling to realize that so many people had taken the time to get to know my name. I was somebody worth knowing!
For this, I am truly thankful.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
What I Want To Be W̶h̶e̶n̶ If I Grow Up
Here it is again. That nasty thing called change. I write about it a lot because it helps me to process things. Like an introvert who thinks out loud, driving those around him nuts when they respond and he continues the oral yet internal dialogue. So read on if you have any interest at all in the inner workings of my twisted little mind.
I have known for the past couple of years that my childcare duties would be slowing down and I have recently been considering if I would take on any new clients or move on to a new venture. Today I got the news that I will be going to part time childcare this fall. I am torn. Am I sad, excited, scared out of my mind?! While I think I have made great strides in this area, change is not my favorite thing.
I am looking forward to having a little more freedom in my day. Maybe take more hikes or more educational field trips with those still home schooling. Whatever I choose to do to augment the household income, it will have to be something I can do in my underwear, or at least without getting out of my pajamas.
Today I have been researching getting a license to do commercial baking in my home. I fear the requirements will necessitate a complete kitchen remodel. I want to be a financial help, not a walking, talking money pit! I joined a website to link me up with proofreading and blogging jobs. Finally, I can use my Nazi-esque grammar and spelling obsession to my advantage, and not get punched in the mouth!
I have even asked for ideas from friends on Facebook. Some of these people know me a little bit and others know me too well for my own good. So far nothing extreme has been suggested. Baking, tutoring, writing, public speaking. It was even suggested I do MORE childcare. Which led to my next idea.
I did notice they are looking for "dancers" at a local "steak house." It fits the working-in-my-underwear requirement! My darling husband said I'd probably look better than any of the talent they had. I decided not to turn it into a "How would you know?" fight and instead pointed out a few of my less than desirable features: stretch marks, sagging breasts, twin skin and triplet flap. Trust me, you don't want to know. These lovely badges of honor remain, even after all of my hard-earned weight loss. Besides, the only dancing I know how to do is Jazzercise and I'm pretty sure I resemble a spastic albatross doing that.
Oh yeah. I also don't think people should sell sex. Silly me!
My foray into comedy has been on hold so long that I have a renewed sense of dread when I think of getting on stage. It was a terrifying adrenaline rush and, unlike running a race, I do not feel like getting right back on stage and repeating the experience as soon as it is over. I want to hurl. Besides, when you get on stage in your underwear, people expect a different kind of performance. I refer you to paragraph six above.
*beep*
Ooh! An email from the Oregon Department of Agriculture. Thank you, Christine S., Food Safety Specialist, for the virtual stack of forms. Or should that be a stack of virtual forms? I suppose it's time to get real or go home. Wait.....
Time to slip into my underwear and get to work!
I have known for the past couple of years that my childcare duties would be slowing down and I have recently been considering if I would take on any new clients or move on to a new venture. Today I got the news that I will be going to part time childcare this fall. I am torn. Am I sad, excited, scared out of my mind?! While I think I have made great strides in this area, change is not my favorite thing.
I am looking forward to having a little more freedom in my day. Maybe take more hikes or more educational field trips with those still home schooling. Whatever I choose to do to augment the household income, it will have to be something I can do in my underwear, or at least without getting out of my pajamas.
Today I have been researching getting a license to do commercial baking in my home. I fear the requirements will necessitate a complete kitchen remodel. I want to be a financial help, not a walking, talking money pit! I joined a website to link me up with proofreading and blogging jobs. Finally, I can use my Nazi-esque grammar and spelling obsession to my advantage, and not get punched in the mouth!
I have even asked for ideas from friends on Facebook. Some of these people know me a little bit and others know me too well for my own good. So far nothing extreme has been suggested. Baking, tutoring, writing, public speaking. It was even suggested I do MORE childcare. Which led to my next idea.
I did notice they are looking for "dancers" at a local "steak house." It fits the working-in-my-underwear requirement! My darling husband said I'd probably look better than any of the talent they had. I decided not to turn it into a "How would you know?" fight and instead pointed out a few of my less than desirable features: stretch marks, sagging breasts, twin skin and triplet flap. Trust me, you don't want to know. These lovely badges of honor remain, even after all of my hard-earned weight loss. Besides, the only dancing I know how to do is Jazzercise and I'm pretty sure I resemble a spastic albatross doing that.
Oh yeah. I also don't think people should sell sex. Silly me!
My foray into comedy has been on hold so long that I have a renewed sense of dread when I think of getting on stage. It was a terrifying adrenaline rush and, unlike running a race, I do not feel like getting right back on stage and repeating the experience as soon as it is over. I want to hurl. Besides, when you get on stage in your underwear, people expect a different kind of performance. I refer you to paragraph six above.
*beep*
Ooh! An email from the Oregon Department of Agriculture. Thank you, Christine S., Food Safety Specialist, for the virtual stack of forms. Or should that be a stack of virtual forms? I suppose it's time to get real or go home. Wait.....
Time to slip into my underwear and get to work!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Getting Back
Rehabilitation. Recovery. Codependence. Clean & Sober.
These catchphrases are known by most everyone, even those never touched by addiction. I have my own past with drugs and alcohol and now I stand on the sidelines, watching and praying as people I love struggle with theirs. Supporting but not enabling. Loving and not excusing.
I've worked through the 12 steps of recovery. It was not for myself that I started this journey, though. I was tagging along to show support for someone. I had my life together.
WAKE UP!!! What a load of malarkey! I may have been able to project the image of a life in control (the true sign of an addict) but inside I struggled with a demon that made me and everyone I loved miserable. My addiction was anger. I turned to it whenever I felt hurt or out of control. It gave me a sense of power, which was preferable to feeling powerless and vulnerable. Anger made me feel like I was in control. I understand this, and my reasons for choosing anger, but I still struggle with it. A LOT! At least now I know why I do it and I can apologize and try to do better. Isn't that the best any of us can do?
Regardless of the addiction, there are steps to recovery. The 12 steps, or the 8 Biblical principles, are a road out of dependence. If we stumble and fall backwards into our old mess, those steps will always be there. It is no good trying to get a running start so you can skip a few. Some are more difficult than others, and those are the ones that can be the most essential to successful recovery. I like to focus on the 4th step. This, in my experience, is the one that sends many people back to their old lifestyles. Or else they skip it, which means they can skip number 5.
"Whew! Dodged a bullet there. This is going to be easier than I thought."
What is so scary about these steps? Step 4 requires us to take a "searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Now, if you are struggling with an addiction, it is quite likely because you are trying to avoid something. Something from your past that hurt you, that you do not want to remember. And now it is time to dredge up the past. It almost seems counterproductive to a life of moving forward, but if we don't clean up the stuff in our past, it has a nasty way of resurfacing and taking over our lives. There is only so much you can stuff into the closet before the door is going to burst wide open and reveal the mess that is your life. Better to tackle that mess one piece at a time, dealing with each issue and storing up the important lessons or memories without holding onto the junk itself.
We get ourselves back by getting back to the cause of our pain or fear, but that requires opening the door and facing the years of baggage we have been avoiding unpacking. The longer we wait to do this, the more crap there will be to deal with. That doesn't mean we can't do it. It only means we will need to rely on help from others. People who have had to sort through their own messes. We cannot recover in isolation. We must refuse to live in shame. Everyone has a past and no one can judge you without also judging himself.
When we indulge in destructive behaviors we need to "get back, Loretta" and take a look at why. It won't always be easy and sometimes it will be downright ugly. Do it anyway and get yourself back.
These catchphrases are known by most everyone, even those never touched by addiction. I have my own past with drugs and alcohol and now I stand on the sidelines, watching and praying as people I love struggle with theirs. Supporting but not enabling. Loving and not excusing.
I've worked through the 12 steps of recovery. It was not for myself that I started this journey, though. I was tagging along to show support for someone. I had my life together.
WAKE UP!!! What a load of malarkey! I may have been able to project the image of a life in control (the true sign of an addict) but inside I struggled with a demon that made me and everyone I loved miserable. My addiction was anger. I turned to it whenever I felt hurt or out of control. It gave me a sense of power, which was preferable to feeling powerless and vulnerable. Anger made me feel like I was in control. I understand this, and my reasons for choosing anger, but I still struggle with it. A LOT! At least now I know why I do it and I can apologize and try to do better. Isn't that the best any of us can do?
Regardless of the addiction, there are steps to recovery. The 12 steps, or the 8 Biblical principles, are a road out of dependence. If we stumble and fall backwards into our old mess, those steps will always be there. It is no good trying to get a running start so you can skip a few. Some are more difficult than others, and those are the ones that can be the most essential to successful recovery. I like to focus on the 4th step. This, in my experience, is the one that sends many people back to their old lifestyles. Or else they skip it, which means they can skip number 5.
"Whew! Dodged a bullet there. This is going to be easier than I thought."
What is so scary about these steps? Step 4 requires us to take a "searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Now, if you are struggling with an addiction, it is quite likely because you are trying to avoid something. Something from your past that hurt you, that you do not want to remember. And now it is time to dredge up the past. It almost seems counterproductive to a life of moving forward, but if we don't clean up the stuff in our past, it has a nasty way of resurfacing and taking over our lives. There is only so much you can stuff into the closet before the door is going to burst wide open and reveal the mess that is your life. Better to tackle that mess one piece at a time, dealing with each issue and storing up the important lessons or memories without holding onto the junk itself.
We get ourselves back by getting back to the cause of our pain or fear, but that requires opening the door and facing the years of baggage we have been avoiding unpacking. The longer we wait to do this, the more crap there will be to deal with. That doesn't mean we can't do it. It only means we will need to rely on help from others. People who have had to sort through their own messes. We cannot recover in isolation. We must refuse to live in shame. Everyone has a past and no one can judge you without also judging himself.
When we indulge in destructive behaviors we need to "get back, Loretta" and take a look at why. It won't always be easy and sometimes it will be downright ugly. Do it anyway and get yourself back.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
........Is Change
Just a couple of days ago, I wrote a blog about change and how much I love* it. (*See: sarcasm)
Change is uncertain. Uncertainty leads to worry. Worry distracts us from God when we need to rely on Him the most. Does this mean change is bad? Change is from God. He designed the world with the plan that all life in it would reproduce and grow. Change. Even the simple act of flowing water can carve a canyon out of solid rock. Change.
There was one change that was not from God. He did not introduce sin into this world. All change that has come from that first sin is not from Him. Disease and death are not from Him, but He does offer us redemption, healing, comfort and peace; oases in this desert of sin.
You see, change IS uncertain. Uncertainty can also lead to anticipation and hope! Hope is from God. Hope is what keeps us from giving up. It keeps us trying to make things better in the face of adversity. If I burn a cake, I do not walk out of the kitchen and never cook again. When a child makes an error in school work, he does not drop out. When a loved one dies from cancer, we do not give up. We learn from our mistakes. We continue to support organizations in searching for a cure. We hope.
Hope is the enemy of worry.
Last night, I saw my son having a seizure. This was the first time I had ever seen something like this and it was terrifying to see it happening to my child. I called 9-1-1 and we waited for help to arrive. The other children all milled around, helping to clean up and checking on their brother. Someone asked if he was going to be okay. I said "Yes!" Then came the question, "How do you know?"
I kneeled over Ian and kissed him and said, "Because God is taking care of him. God won't let anything bad happen to him."
As we rode to the hospital, many thoughts raced through my mind. Does he have epilepsy? How is this going to change our lives? How can I do anything if I am worried that Ian will have another seizure? I realized that I cannot live my life in worry. I have to give all of these fears to God. He can give me the peace to be able to carry on. We will all need to learn more about seizures and what we should and should not do, but we cannot put Ian in a bubble and stare at him waiting for another seizure to happen. We must follow up with qualified physicians who can help us to understand all of this. We will arm ourselves with knowledge, another change God has given us. Learning is constant and, as we learn, we change. We have already spent some time doing research on autism and seizures. We will probably come up with many more questions than answers, at first. These questions will afford us more opportunities to learn, to change.
As Ian regained coherence, we sang and we prayed together. He talked to Jesus in a way that I know only Jesus would understand. This gives me hope. I know that Ian has a relationship with God that I cannot comprehend. When I say that God won't let anything bad happen to Ian, it means that I feel confident that he is saved. His eternity is assured. Illness and even death are not the worst things that can happen to a person. To die without having a relationship with God is.
My hope is in a Savior who has paid the price that I might spend eternity in paradise with my creator. I made the choice to change my life from one of running away from God to one of seeking and embracing Him.
This is change I can get behind.
Change is uncertain. Uncertainty leads to worry. Worry distracts us from God when we need to rely on Him the most. Does this mean change is bad? Change is from God. He designed the world with the plan that all life in it would reproduce and grow. Change. Even the simple act of flowing water can carve a canyon out of solid rock. Change.
There was one change that was not from God. He did not introduce sin into this world. All change that has come from that first sin is not from Him. Disease and death are not from Him, but He does offer us redemption, healing, comfort and peace; oases in this desert of sin.
You see, change IS uncertain. Uncertainty can also lead to anticipation and hope! Hope is from God. Hope is what keeps us from giving up. It keeps us trying to make things better in the face of adversity. If I burn a cake, I do not walk out of the kitchen and never cook again. When a child makes an error in school work, he does not drop out. When a loved one dies from cancer, we do not give up. We learn from our mistakes. We continue to support organizations in searching for a cure. We hope.
Hope is the enemy of worry.
Last night, I saw my son having a seizure. This was the first time I had ever seen something like this and it was terrifying to see it happening to my child. I called 9-1-1 and we waited for help to arrive. The other children all milled around, helping to clean up and checking on their brother. Someone asked if he was going to be okay. I said "Yes!" Then came the question, "How do you know?"
I kneeled over Ian and kissed him and said, "Because God is taking care of him. God won't let anything bad happen to him."
As we rode to the hospital, many thoughts raced through my mind. Does he have epilepsy? How is this going to change our lives? How can I do anything if I am worried that Ian will have another seizure? I realized that I cannot live my life in worry. I have to give all of these fears to God. He can give me the peace to be able to carry on. We will all need to learn more about seizures and what we should and should not do, but we cannot put Ian in a bubble and stare at him waiting for another seizure to happen. We must follow up with qualified physicians who can help us to understand all of this. We will arm ourselves with knowledge, another change God has given us. Learning is constant and, as we learn, we change. We have already spent some time doing research on autism and seizures. We will probably come up with many more questions than answers, at first. These questions will afford us more opportunities to learn, to change.
As Ian regained coherence, we sang and we prayed together. He talked to Jesus in a way that I know only Jesus would understand. This gives me hope. I know that Ian has a relationship with God that I cannot comprehend. When I say that God won't let anything bad happen to Ian, it means that I feel confident that he is saved. His eternity is assured. Illness and even death are not the worst things that can happen to a person. To die without having a relationship with God is.
My hope is in a Savior who has paid the price that I might spend eternity in paradise with my creator. I made the choice to change my life from one of running away from God to one of seeking and embracing Him.
This is change I can get behind.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
The Only Constant......
Those who know me best know that change is not my cup of tea. What made me think parenting would be the right choice for me? Babies are cute but they don't stay babies forever. They get bigger and more mobile and learn to talk and become independent and grow up and....
What happens in that .... is a whole lot of living and growing and messing up and learning from their own mistakes. No matter how much we try to protect them, they must strike out on their own. It isn't just about not wanting them to fail. There is a whole lot of ego involved. Did I do a good enough job as a parent? Have I prepared them for a world that doesn't always align with our values? If they choose different paths than the one we have guided them on so far, how does that make us look?
I do not want to see my children struggle, and by that I don't mean that they shouldn't have to work for anything. I know life is full of difficulties and hard work is character building. I just pray that they will avoid the same pit stops I made along my journey. The most important lessons I have tried to impart haven't been in reading, writing, and arithmetic. They have been about life experiences I would like them to avoid and the kind of life I, and God, would like them to pursue.
Whatever path each of my children chooses to follow, I want their choices to glorify God. I am living proof that just because a person chooses the highway to hell doesn't mean she cannot change her itinerary to take the stairway to heaven. One appears an exciting ride while the other seems like a tedious climb. If there is one thing I have learned in recent years it is the joy of not taking shortcuts. Whether it is hiking the longer, steeper trail to a magnificent view or making something beautiful and delicious from scratch, the extra time and effort is its own reward.
As I watch Nathan follow his artistic passion with enthusiasm, I am excited and afraid for him. It is joyous to see him nurture and embrace his talents. At the same time, I fear he is not prepared for how hard it is going to be to make it into a career. He has a part-time job in food service. He has just received his learner's permit. We need to teach him how to drive and how to budget wisely on very little income. He may be finished with his academic career, but our job as teachers is far from over.
Our other children still need us very much, but Nathan is a young man taking on new responsibilities. This is the part of parenting I think we can never be prepared for. I only hope experience makes it easier.
No comments from the peanut gallery, please.
What happens in that .... is a whole lot of living and growing and messing up and learning from their own mistakes. No matter how much we try to protect them, they must strike out on their own. It isn't just about not wanting them to fail. There is a whole lot of ego involved. Did I do a good enough job as a parent? Have I prepared them for a world that doesn't always align with our values? If they choose different paths than the one we have guided them on so far, how does that make us look?
I do not want to see my children struggle, and by that I don't mean that they shouldn't have to work for anything. I know life is full of difficulties and hard work is character building. I just pray that they will avoid the same pit stops I made along my journey. The most important lessons I have tried to impart haven't been in reading, writing, and arithmetic. They have been about life experiences I would like them to avoid and the kind of life I, and God, would like them to pursue.
Whatever path each of my children chooses to follow, I want their choices to glorify God. I am living proof that just because a person chooses the highway to hell doesn't mean she cannot change her itinerary to take the stairway to heaven. One appears an exciting ride while the other seems like a tedious climb. If there is one thing I have learned in recent years it is the joy of not taking shortcuts. Whether it is hiking the longer, steeper trail to a magnificent view or making something beautiful and delicious from scratch, the extra time and effort is its own reward.
As I watch Nathan follow his artistic passion with enthusiasm, I am excited and afraid for him. It is joyous to see him nurture and embrace his talents. At the same time, I fear he is not prepared for how hard it is going to be to make it into a career. He has a part-time job in food service. He has just received his learner's permit. We need to teach him how to drive and how to budget wisely on very little income. He may be finished with his academic career, but our job as teachers is far from over.
Our other children still need us very much, but Nathan is a young man taking on new responsibilities. This is the part of parenting I think we can never be prepared for. I only hope experience makes it easier.
No comments from the peanut gallery, please.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Growing Up
I am not sure if I'm ready for this. My children are growing up and reaching milestones that will require me to act like a grown up. When did I sign up for this?
We have been raising our children with the idea of courtship rather than dating. The plan is to get to know another person with the guidance of family. No going out on dates and "playing grown-up" with nothing to rein in the raging hormones but self control, which hasn't been proven to exist yet. This has all been fine in theory, but now we need to put our theory to the test. This has to do with our oldest son, who is nearly 18. At this point it is really his decision to make. This is only the second time he has expressed an interest in a girl. Both times he has wanted to introduce the girls to me immediately. Each time I get butterflies. What, exactly, is my role in this? I am happy that he wants to include me in this, or any, part of his life. However, I wonder if we have taught him all we could, or should, about pursuing a relationship with a young woman.
Have we impressed upon him the importance of respect? Respect for himself and for all other people. Have we taught him about responsibility? He doesn't have a job yet. He has dreams and ambitions but he has yet to channel these into a paying job. Have we given him a sufficient understanding of his need to be able to provide for himself and someone else before asking her to invest in him?
We are not experts in these areas. Mostly, we serve as a cautionary tale. I can tell him about the heartbreak of giving up a child I was not prepared for. We can offer our past lives as an example of the damage drugs and alcohol can do to a person-physically, emotionally, spiritually. Our financial struggles point to a path of living on credit instead of living within our means. What we are doing now, making better choices for ourselves and our children, stand as a testimony to God's healing power and forgiveness.
I guess we just have to trust that we have gotten through to him. We must pray that God will help us to be good role models from this day forward. We have done our best to protect him while still teaching him about the world in which we live. We will be here to support him as he navigates his way through the world of male/female relationships. He knows what we believe and what we want for him. He has specific plans for his life and I hope he will continue to pursue those plans. We cannot make his decisions for him but we will listen to him and pray for and with him.
Tonight, our eldest son called a girl and invited her and her family to dine with us. They have found they have common interests. Does this mean we are headed down the road of courtship? Only God knows. I pray we will have our hearts and eyes open to read all the signs He will place before us.
Growing up is scary!
We have been raising our children with the idea of courtship rather than dating. The plan is to get to know another person with the guidance of family. No going out on dates and "playing grown-up" with nothing to rein in the raging hormones but self control, which hasn't been proven to exist yet. This has all been fine in theory, but now we need to put our theory to the test. This has to do with our oldest son, who is nearly 18. At this point it is really his decision to make. This is only the second time he has expressed an interest in a girl. Both times he has wanted to introduce the girls to me immediately. Each time I get butterflies. What, exactly, is my role in this? I am happy that he wants to include me in this, or any, part of his life. However, I wonder if we have taught him all we could, or should, about pursuing a relationship with a young woman.
Have we impressed upon him the importance of respect? Respect for himself and for all other people. Have we taught him about responsibility? He doesn't have a job yet. He has dreams and ambitions but he has yet to channel these into a paying job. Have we given him a sufficient understanding of his need to be able to provide for himself and someone else before asking her to invest in him?
We are not experts in these areas. Mostly, we serve as a cautionary tale. I can tell him about the heartbreak of giving up a child I was not prepared for. We can offer our past lives as an example of the damage drugs and alcohol can do to a person-physically, emotionally, spiritually. Our financial struggles point to a path of living on credit instead of living within our means. What we are doing now, making better choices for ourselves and our children, stand as a testimony to God's healing power and forgiveness.
I guess we just have to trust that we have gotten through to him. We must pray that God will help us to be good role models from this day forward. We have done our best to protect him while still teaching him about the world in which we live. We will be here to support him as he navigates his way through the world of male/female relationships. He knows what we believe and what we want for him. He has specific plans for his life and I hope he will continue to pursue those plans. We cannot make his decisions for him but we will listen to him and pray for and with him.
Tonight, our eldest son called a girl and invited her and her family to dine with us. They have found they have common interests. Does this mean we are headed down the road of courtship? Only God knows. I pray we will have our hearts and eyes open to read all the signs He will place before us.
Growing up is scary!
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