Can you guess the topic of this blog? It's the same as 90% of the blogs published in the last 24 hours. Who am I to be an individual?
There is a lot to be said about suicide. From the perspective of those left behind, it appears to be a totally irrational and selfish act. How could anyone not know or care that their actions will hurt so many others? Don't they know that tomorrow is another day? Suicide is permanent whereas their problems are temporary.
From the other side, the dark side, things look very different. I won't presume to know how it is for all people who suffer with depression or who have contemplated/attempted suicide. I will only speak from my own knowledge.
I grew up not liking myself very much. My parents built me up but the effects of my peers beating me down were stronger. I knew I was loved at home, but I didn't feel liked anywhere else. I sought to please the adults in my life because I couldn't win with other children. The accolades only served to ostracize the other kids. Because I wasn't accepted or invited into the "in" crowd, I lost confidence in my abilities. Where I once enjoyed creating beautiful things (My dad was my biggest fan and encourager calling me his artsy craftsy girl), I decided to give up trying when my work didn't measure up to the standards of the other kids. There wasn't anything I could do about being short and freckled and redheaded and apparently these were things to be despised.
Fast forward to puberty and hormone hell. Mix these with the aforementioned self-hatred and it is easy to see where things could take an ugly turn. I remember being home sick from school one day. I was doing some required reading and got caught up in the story of a troubled girl who had turned to drugs and alcohol and sex to escape her pain. I am pretty sure that wasn't the lesson the school was hoping we would take away. It didn't end well for the character, but I figured it was worth a try. What I found was more self-loathing and I was sure that no one else could understand how I felt.
Later on, I fell in love with an abusive person. I would be the woman who could save him. Deep down inside I knew I was wrong, but at least I wasn't alone. He accepted me. I had a couple of close friends but I was too ashamed to tell them what I had gotten myself into. One day I hit a place so low that I attempted to take my life. I remember the way it played out. It was as if I was outside of myself. I could see myself going through the motions of my job, but I was making preparations to kill myself. Nothing held any joy for me. I wasn't thinking of the family who loved me. All I could see was my pain. A pain so dark it blocked out all light. I did not yet have a personal relationship with my Savior, so there was no hope as far as I could tell.
My first attempt was unsuccessful, and I was hospitalized for a week. This left me with bills I could not afford to pay. Fear set in. I found myself homeless and out of work, and still with the same boyfriend. My self worth was non-existent. I was no good to anyone, completely useless. Two more overdoses left me sick but still alive. I do not remember when or how I came to my senses, but I finally rid myself of the man who only sought to drag me down to his level. This was not the end of my darkness, however. I continued to devalue myself and it is only by the grace of God that I did not end up dead in a ditch somewhere.
I know that my depression was not a chemical imbalance, but it was very real just the same. I am grateful to have found hope in Jesus Christ. I found my worth in Him. He saved me from my attempts to destroy myself. Without Him, I don't believe I could have survived the pregnancy losses, or the marital turmoil, or the death of our son. Before Jesus, there was only darkness. He shone a light into my life that I can see even in my darkest hours.
So, I understand the people who are saying that faith is the key to survival. It has been the only thing that has kept me alive. I cannot speak about physical depression requiring medical treatment. That is another animal altogether.
I do know that the first step out of darkness is to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. A light called hope.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Monday, August 4, 2014
With a Grateful Heart
2014 has been a year of commitments, resolutions, and change.
As the year began, I decided to follow my sister and friend who were posting, on social media, something they were thankful for every day. This is a wonderful way to take the focus off of our troubles, large and small, long enough to realize that while there is breath in us, we have something to be thankful for.
Most days it has been easy to find something to give thanks for. Only once or twice did I struggle to think of anything. The point is that I did. I reached deep down beyond my hurt feelings or wounded pride to find a reason to give thanks.
Tonight, I am feeling my cup of thankfulness overflowing. The events of this past week have highlighted for me how much I have changed. That thing I used to run away and hide from has enabled me to become someone I never believed I could be. Tonight, I am thankful for change.
It is strange to realize that just 7 years ago, I was a captive. For 15 years, I had allowed myself to be deceived. I placed people on pedestals and believed that God wanted me to emulate them. It was comfortable letting these people be my world because I didn't need to think for myself or step outside of my comfort zone. In retrospect, I understand that it was to protect themselves from being found out that they isolated me. It was as though I had been kidnapped and brainwashed. My captors were my saviors.
How could I have been so gullible? This had happened before with an abusive boyfriend and I was wise enough to break free from those chains. The difference this time was that these people never openly hurt me. Everything they said and did seemed for my own good. When I opened up about my experience to my birth son, he told me a story about a frog in a pot of boiling water. I had never heard it before. He said that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it is going to hop out. But the frog that is put into a pot of cold water will stay as the water is slowly brought to a boil around him. By the time he realizes he is in hot water, it's too late.
Thankfully, for me it was not too late. What looked as though my world was crumbling around me was really a necessary demolition to make way for a complete remodel. Not to sound like a Disney movie, but for the first time in forever I was without my constant friend and companion. I was alone in the cold, grieving without the person I had relied on for so long. I had nowhere to turn but to God. He had always been right by my side but I was blinded by hero-worship. I imagined He had placed these people in my life to make me a better person, and in a way they had. The lessons I have taken from that experience are ones I will never forget, and I will share them with others that they might avoid the same pitfalls. God has always been with me, just walking along side until I let go of my crutches so that He could carry me into a new relationship with Him.
The transformation in me has been physical, spiritual, and emotional. The outward changes are just a positive side-effect of the inward ones. I went out into my neighborhood and spoke to people. I went to a new church and accepted help from strangers who wanted nothing but to serve me. I opened my eyes to the problems in my home life and sought help. I began to work on my relationship with Christ in ways I never had before. I stepped into a leadership position and was blessed by the people God put in my path. I was encouraged by the positive examples of others and I
decided that I could do good things for myself. I have been challenged to do more, be better, give more, grow more.
The greatest gift to rise out of the ashes of tragedy has been the abundance of friends I have gained. I am not talking about social media "friends." I mean real live human beings. I understand that God wants me to live in community with other people, not to hide from them. I can learn from them and give to them. We won't all become lifelong companions. Some will leave as quickly as they came. I am learning discernment. I am still quick to trust and believe the best in people, but now I do not close my eyes to their faults. These faults are what make us real. Anyone who seems to good to be true probably is.
God has given me so much to be thankful for. My family whom I cherish, my husband who I love more now than ever, my health, and my friends. I used to say that I had three friends, and I was only half joking. There were a few people I confided in and I didn't alow room in my life for acquaintances. Now my friends are so numerous, I feel like the richest woman in the world. One day when we were walking through the church building, one of my children noted that I knew a lot of people as woman after woman passed by and addressed me by name. It was humbling to realize that so many people had taken the time to get to know my name. I was somebody worth knowing!
For this, I am truly thankful.
As the year began, I decided to follow my sister and friend who were posting, on social media, something they were thankful for every day. This is a wonderful way to take the focus off of our troubles, large and small, long enough to realize that while there is breath in us, we have something to be thankful for.
Most days it has been easy to find something to give thanks for. Only once or twice did I struggle to think of anything. The point is that I did. I reached deep down beyond my hurt feelings or wounded pride to find a reason to give thanks.
Tonight, I am feeling my cup of thankfulness overflowing. The events of this past week have highlighted for me how much I have changed. That thing I used to run away and hide from has enabled me to become someone I never believed I could be. Tonight, I am thankful for change.
It is strange to realize that just 7 years ago, I was a captive. For 15 years, I had allowed myself to be deceived. I placed people on pedestals and believed that God wanted me to emulate them. It was comfortable letting these people be my world because I didn't need to think for myself or step outside of my comfort zone. In retrospect, I understand that it was to protect themselves from being found out that they isolated me. It was as though I had been kidnapped and brainwashed. My captors were my saviors.
How could I have been so gullible? This had happened before with an abusive boyfriend and I was wise enough to break free from those chains. The difference this time was that these people never openly hurt me. Everything they said and did seemed for my own good. When I opened up about my experience to my birth son, he told me a story about a frog in a pot of boiling water. I had never heard it before. He said that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it is going to hop out. But the frog that is put into a pot of cold water will stay as the water is slowly brought to a boil around him. By the time he realizes he is in hot water, it's too late.
Thankfully, for me it was not too late. What looked as though my world was crumbling around me was really a necessary demolition to make way for a complete remodel. Not to sound like a Disney movie, but for the first time in forever I was without my constant friend and companion. I was alone in the cold, grieving without the person I had relied on for so long. I had nowhere to turn but to God. He had always been right by my side but I was blinded by hero-worship. I imagined He had placed these people in my life to make me a better person, and in a way they had. The lessons I have taken from that experience are ones I will never forget, and I will share them with others that they might avoid the same pitfalls. God has always been with me, just walking along side until I let go of my crutches so that He could carry me into a new relationship with Him.
The transformation in me has been physical, spiritual, and emotional. The outward changes are just a positive side-effect of the inward ones. I went out into my neighborhood and spoke to people. I went to a new church and accepted help from strangers who wanted nothing but to serve me. I opened my eyes to the problems in my home life and sought help. I began to work on my relationship with Christ in ways I never had before. I stepped into a leadership position and was blessed by the people God put in my path. I was encouraged by the positive examples of others and I
decided that I could do good things for myself. I have been challenged to do more, be better, give more, grow more.
The greatest gift to rise out of the ashes of tragedy has been the abundance of friends I have gained. I am not talking about social media "friends." I mean real live human beings. I understand that God wants me to live in community with other people, not to hide from them. I can learn from them and give to them. We won't all become lifelong companions. Some will leave as quickly as they came. I am learning discernment. I am still quick to trust and believe the best in people, but now I do not close my eyes to their faults. These faults are what make us real. Anyone who seems to good to be true probably is.
God has given me so much to be thankful for. My family whom I cherish, my husband who I love more now than ever, my health, and my friends. I used to say that I had three friends, and I was only half joking. There were a few people I confided in and I didn't alow room in my life for acquaintances. Now my friends are so numerous, I feel like the richest woman in the world. One day when we were walking through the church building, one of my children noted that I knew a lot of people as woman after woman passed by and addressed me by name. It was humbling to realize that so many people had taken the time to get to know my name. I was somebody worth knowing!
For this, I am truly thankful.
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