Prodigal

I am a lover of words. Lately this word, prodigal, keeps coming to mind.

Possibly the most well known use of this word is from the Bible in Jesus' story of the prodigal son. With my limited understanding I derived that prodigal meant one who went astray. The Merriam-Webster definition leans more towards wasteful, gluttonous or lavish. I decided to reread the story of the prodigal son but I began at the beginning of Luke 15. This is where Jesus tells the story of the lost sheep, the one who has strayed from the rest of the flock. So this is probably why I made the connection in my mind between prodigal and lost.

In a way we are all prodigal at some point in our lives; wasteful, excessive, straying. What is important for everyone to understand is that there is One who loves us regardless of our sins. Our sin is the reason He came in the first place-not to shun or condemn but to draw us back to Himself.

I have been significantly moved by recent events in my own family. I have seen prodigal children returning to the family fold. Christ is the Good Shepherd going out in search of these lambs. He has heard our prayers, our cries for reunification, and He has not forsaken us. We have longed for their return and wait not with words of chastisement but with open arms and rejoicing!

Friends share with me their joys and their tears. I rejoice with them for answered prayer and I pray for them in hardship. I encourage them to cry out to God for understanding, discernment, wisdom and peace. He is faithful to provide all our needs, not our wants. When I see friends living so far removed from Christ that they have trouble seeing His love I realize they can't see through their hurt and shame. He is right beside them waiting with robes of love and acceptance.

I have this picture in my mind. God is not looking at all of us and making a list of our sins. He is looking at us through His Son. First there are those who are unsaved. God sees them walking through life wrapped in darkness. He can see in but they can't see out. That is where those who have accepted Christ as their Savior come in. They are walking through life with a glow of love surrounding them. Sometimes that glow is dimmer when we take our relationship with Christ for granted but when we are putting "feet on our faith" the glow is so bright that it shines like a beacon in the night to lead the lost ones safely home.

We all have the potential to influence others. I am happy to have the glow of Christ's grace and I want it to shine through the darkness. I want my faith to be a beacon in the storm so others may see their way home where Christ is waiting to warm them with His robes of love, acceptance and grace.

Transplants

A revelation of my own

"I can see God crying while I was going through this (uterine rupture), wanting to help but knowing in His wisdom that I would become a stronger woman and closer to Him from this experience. It makes me think of how we, as mothers, must sometimes sit back and watch our children make their own mistakes no matter how badly we want to spare them the pain."

Kathleen Fellows

November 10, 2008

Convicted 10/10/08

This word churns up many images. I once read an email from a friend that her husband had been convicted and I just about flipped out! It turned out he'd been convicted by God to enlarge the size of their family. What a blessing! But not what I knew of conviction.

After this past weekend I have been convicted to commit myself to my husband and children. This is not the first time I have felt this call. This time I have been prepared to receive it. My baby died so now I have a new-found appreciation for my other blessings. My husband and I almost lost each other so I am working with all that is in me to keep him. In Bible study we have been studying Proverbs and I am learning how to seek after wisdom. I have been blessed with scripture to remind me to hold on to the lessons I have learned.

Revelations 3:3,11 3)Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you. 11)I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown.

On November 7th I left for an Above Rubies http://www.aboverubies.org/ retreat in Silverton, OR. I had never been on one of these retreats alone. I knew I would be surrounded by babies and pregnant women, yet God called me to attend-to step outside my comfort zone. I got a late start and even had to turn around because I'd left one of my bags at home. I was feeling discouraged and almost backed out. Still, I felt God calling me. So I hit the road.

Along the way I was listening to The Fish. God seemed to speaking to me through every song. I cried so much I almost had to pull over. I cried out to God and I cried tears of loss and pain. I asked God for clarity that I might know His purpose for me attending this retreat. As I got closer to the camp I saw a street sign "Mt. Hope Road." God wanted me to know I have hope in Him. I started crying again. A song came on the radio telling about stepping outside our comfort zones. I turned off the radio and I asked God how much He expected me to endure.

I arrived late so I went straight to the meeting area so I wouldn't miss a bit of Nancy's talk. She is a most amazing woman, inspired by the Holy Spirit to share God's vision for mothers as set forth in His word. When I entered the hall there were babies galore and pregnant mommies all around. I wanted to run to my car and drive away. Instead I checked in and sat myself at a table in the back. I felt like I was in high school again, standing outside of the groups hoping someone would invite me into their circle. I even hoped someone would ask me to hold her baby for a moment.

As Nancy began to speak she didn't say anything I hadn't heard at some of her other retreats or read in her magazine. Still I stayed and took notes. She spoke of the gift of a woman's fertility and I felt my heart break. When my uterus ruptured they were unable to save either Caleb or my uterus. This is a very difficult loss for me deal with so hearing her speak against (voluntary) sterilization hurt.

After the evening session I went to my cabin which I knew I would be sharing with babies and mommies. I arrived when everyone else was tucked into bed. There were 6 other women, at least 2 pregnant, and 3 babies. One mom in the bunk across from mine was reading to her little boy, trying to coax him to settle down. I thought I heard her call him Caleb. My heart screamed "WHY, God!?" The next day at breakfast I met Caleb. He greeted me with a huge smile. I realized then that I had slept better that night than I had in almost a year. I decided I need to have a Caleb around at bedtime.

The next session was so humbling for me. All of them touched me on some level. This was a life-changing weekend full of lessons and friendship.

I met women who live in my own city and others who live nearby. During our afternoon break one woman invited me to go into town with her. As she shopped and tried on some clothes she asked me to hold her beautiful baby girl. I was so blessed. She told me I had touched her heart to make positive changes in her life. Was this the purpose for which God had brought me to this retreat? I met a woman with a heart for saving unborn babies with disabilities. I met 2 women who used to attend my church.

I came away from this weekend with a desire for my husband that I haven't known, at this level, in 15 years. I want to honor my husband. I want to train and guide and lead our flock so they will make wise choices and avoid the mistakes I have made. I want to be a mother they will "arise...and call...blessed." (See Proverbs 31:28)

I have been presented with so much that I want to gift to my family yet I want to do it in a way they will receive and keep with them. I don't want this to be a "honeymoon" change. I want it to be a lasting foundation they will carry with them and pass on to their children. Last night, although Matt and I had a marriage improvement class, we sat down as a family to eat and pray. I felt so blessed to be able to give this to my children. More importantly I have given them a mother who will not be quick to yell but will be quick to lovingly discipline them.

This morning I shared devotions with my husband, had Bible study with my best friend, then sat down to breakfast with my WHOLE family where Matt read scripture and prayed over each one of us. I lifted him up to God for protection from the things of this world determined to undermine his fidelity.

So, this is the tip of the iceberg of what happened to me this weekend. I hope to bless my family and others outside of my family and outside of God's will for them. I have found such peace in His will and I pray this peace for everyone.

"I’ve been changed! 07/28/08

I've been newborn. All my life has been rearranged!"

These are the lyrics to a song I used to sing in choir and they completely describe how I feel. Yesterday at church the sermon was on baptism, believer's baptism.

I was baptized as an infant when I couldn't make a choice for myself. I was baptized 6 months after I was married, having entered into a new phase of my life and making my own conscious choice as a believer. Most all of you know the turmoil my life has been through in the past 6 months. Towards the end of the sermon one of the pastor's addressed questions people often ask about baptism. The first question was about rebaptism. I was floored! I have been thinking about this since all this "shizzle" began. I felt like my last baptism was tainted by the betrayal of the person who performed it. I feel like I am living a new life and that my husband and I are renewed in our love for each other.

In the sermon Baptism was described as dying with Christ as we go under the water and being resurrected with Him into new life as we come up out of the water. I decided that I wanted to be rebaptized. Then the big shocker! They were doing NIKE baptisms; Just Do It! They had black t-shirts and shorts for anyone who wanted to come down and be baptized, spontaneous and in the moment like the Ethiopian Eunuch who met Phillip on the road to Gaza (Acts 8:26-40).

I decided then that I was going to be rebaptized. I gathered my children and we walked forward, then people started coming forward in large numbers. I'd be willing to bet that there were at least 20 of us who came forward at that service. It was so moving. Parents and siblings were being baptized together. Friends were being baptized together. I wanted Matt to be there but he was chasing Ian off the stage away from the guitars. They were right behind the baptismal as I went in but I didn't care. It wasn't about them or anyone else there. It was about my desire to be reborn in Christ.

I have felt a new sense of peace and even when feelings come up that bother me I don't let them take over and ruin my serenity. I still cry but now it is because I miss my baby and not because someone has hurt me. I will not let the way others behave dictate my actions. Christ can take those things that bother me away because I have given Him control over my life and these problems are no longer mine to bear. I leave them on the cross with my sins.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The wisdom of Mary Current mood: blessed Mary (age 5) is our wisest child, it seems. Tonight she wanted a bedtime story but decided to tell me one instead. It began with a song. We love you, Caleb. We love you Caleb. We love you. We love you. We love you. It was so much fun and we miss you. We love you, Caleb. We love you Caleb. We love you. We love you. We love you, Caleb. Then she told this story: Once upon a time there was little girl named Mary. She knew the mommy had a baby in her tummy. Then the midwives came to get the baby out but it didn’t work. He just died. Then she went to the hospital and we all went to the hospital. The end. After this she prayed and thanked God for loving us and for taking care of Caleb in Heaven. She had Megan and me in tears.

And This Blog Begat That Blog....

I was surfing MySpace this morning when I noticed a friend had posted a blog. I went to read it and was inspired. She was writing regarding an article she had read about certain higher-ups condemning non-life-saving surgery, specifically, facial transplants. This is not about plastic surgery to remove some wrinkles or to raise drooping brow lines. This is about reconstructive surgery for people with such major deformities that they often won't set foot outside of their homes. People with major birth defects or who have been burned. This surgery may not be life-saving in the literal sense but it can change the quality of life for an individual who is not really living, just surviving.

This hit home for me. I have been blessed with 6 beautiful children, all of whom I never would have had if not for In Vitro Fertilization. The procedures were all done by the same doctor but the facility changed over the years. The first clinic was shut down after the hospital was taken over by a religious entity that believes fertility treatments are unethical. Coincidentally this is the same group condemning facial transplants.

I will openly admit that I am against abortion, cloning, embryonic stem-cell research and genetic euthanasia to name but a few. Just because, through God-given intelligence and resources, man has figured out how to do these things doesn't mean they should be done. I have an autistic son. There are some who think autism is so terrible that we should be trying to wipe it out. They would have all pregnant women undergo genetic testing and if their babies show a predisposition for autism (or downs syndrome or cerebral palsy, etc...) then abortion is the solution.

But IVF and facial transplants are about improving quality of life without harming another. Some states have gone so far as to mandate insurance coverage for fertility treatments. The desire to reproduce is inborn. Just because someone is unable to conceive doesn't mean that desire goes away as well. As someone who has conceived naturally only to place that child up for adoption, the shock of secondary infertility really threw me for a loop. Not only did I want a family but I had tasted of the fruit and had such a yearning to be filled with life that it consumed me. I can only imagine that someone who has been horribly disfigured aches to be "normal" again, to be included in society without being looked on as an atrocity or to pitied. Human beings are relational animals. We need human contact to thrive. So what is unethical about a procedure that would allow someone the opportunity to live and thrive as God created them to? What is wrong about helping couples to fulfill the command to "go forth, be fruitful and multiply"?

I would have those who sit on their thrones of ethics take a moment to climb down and look at the humanity affected by their condemnation.

I Believe in Miracles

I come from a LARGE family. I am the 11th of 12 children. By the time I was born the oldest son was 16 years old. When my younger sister was born the two oldest sons were moved out on their own. There is a 19 year span from the birth of the first to the birth of the last child. Despite our best efforts there is also a huge gap in relationships.

The last time the entire family was together was in 1973. I don't remember this but there is a family portrait as proof. No photoshopping back then. Over time we have all followed our own paths in many different directions. Some joined the military and traveled the world. Others stayed closer to home. Some of us stayed in the country but have moved out of state. We have come home for weddings and funerals and anniversaries but never all of us at the same time. For many different reasons some have chosen to separate themselves from the rest of the family. This is the saddest thing of all.

When people make a conscious choice to sever ties with their families it can feel like a death, especially if the reason is unknown. Families can be left to wonder if their siblings or children are alive. Whatever the reason-an argument or harsh words, personal struggles, shame-such a break from family hurts many people.

When I was growing up I remember spending holidays and vacations with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts and uncles and 2nd cousins. When there was a wedding or funeral everyone was there. I was proud of my big family. It makes me sad that my children don't know all of their aunts and uncles but sadder still that they might never get to know them because of the distance some have purposely placed between themselves and the family.

So, what are these miracles I speak of? Lately these wandering lambs have been returning to the flock to the great joy of the shepherd and shepherdess. After years of self-exile they are calling home to let our parents know they are alive. They are coming home for holiday gatherings. The emotional and long-distance separations are coming to an end. I am even willing to hope that we will all be together again before Mom and Dad die. All of the siblings with their spouses and children coming together-I can think of no greater miracle to hope and pray for!

I am calling out to all of you:
Mom and Dad (2)
Lloyd, Jessica and Daniel and their spouses and children (8)
Pat and Susan (10)
Michael, Lorita and Michaela (13)
Jerry and Susan (15)
Steve and Suni, Jeremiah and Stephanie (19)
Ruth and Jim (21)
Joe and Jennifer, Laura and Dustin & Matt (26)
Margaret, Kristina & John (29)
Kathleen & Matt, Chris, Nathan, Megan, Ian, Noah, David, & Mary (38)
Karen (39)
Any more I don't know about yet????

Somebody reserve the hall. I feel a Brown Family Revival coming on and the world won't know what hit it!

Blessings or Baby Goats

What I am about to share with you is not an original idea. I would love to take credit for it. Heck, even the woman I gleaned this information from is not its creator. I have the Bible to back me up in my following statements. My first grade teacher made a big deal about this subject as well. She impressed it upon my mind at the age of 6 and I still carry it with me to this day.

What am I talking about? Children are not kids. Babies, toddlers, middle schoolers and teenagers are not kids. A kid is a baby goat. We all know this, I hope. But if you look "kid" up in the dictionary you will find that it has been deemed an appropriate term for children. Why?

God likens His children to lambs. Jesus is the Lamb of God. Jesus refers to Himself as the Good Shepherd. In Matthew 25:31-46 Jesus tells His disciples that God will separate the nations as the shpeherd separates the lambs from the goats. The lambs will go to His right and the goats to His left. The goats will go to "eternal punishment, but the..(lambs)..to eternal life.

The job of a goatherd is different than that of a shepherd. One leads, the other drives. We are called to shepherd our flocks, to lead and guide our little lambs.

In Psalm 127 (as elsewhere in the Old Testament) children are referred to as a blessing from God, arrows in our quivers. "Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children!" (The Message) Do you feel this way about your children? Then why defame them by calling them kids?

We must retrain ourselves. We must stop referring to our children as baby goats. They are our lambs to be led, our blessings to be received with thanks, our arrows to be honed. If you cannot remember these things at least call them sons and daughters, or children. No matter how old I get I will be my parents' child and there is no shame in that.

Priceless Gift

My life is far from perfect but I consider myself blessed. I have had more than my share of difficulties and I have learned, and continue to learn, from them. The biggest thing I have learned is to find forgiveness in my heart so that I may be happy.

Forgiveness isn't for the persons we forgive. It gives us healing and closure. If we lose that sense of forgiveness we hurt ourselves far worse than the un-forgiven.

If I could give one gift to everyone this Christmas, and all the new year, it would be the ability to forgive and move on with their lives. Forgiveness isn't an easy thing to achieve because often times we think it excuses the acts of another. It doesn't. We think that if we forgive then the wrong-doer will never be brought to task for his or her actions. They will. I struggled for a long time with un-forgiveness. I thought that those people who had hurt me needed to be brought to justice. What I was really feeling was the desire for revenge. "'Justice is mine,' saith the Lord..." but we always think we know better. We want action now! This is a lesson in patience, to wait upon the Lord. He is always faithful to fulfill His promises but in His time, not on our schedule.

If we hold on to anger and hurt then we cannot, and will not, be happy. God has given us these tools to live a happy life. He doesn't promise no pain or sorrow but He does promise to comfort us when we mourn, to lift us up on wings of eagles and to hold us in the palm of His hand. This makes me pretty darn happy!

The greatest reward of forgiving is a sense of peace. Forgiveness, while a gift to the receiver, is an even greater gift for the one who gives it. It costs more than anything you will find in the most expensive stores but won't put a dent in your bank account. And the returns are countless. Try a little forgiveness this Christmas.

It's Good to Be the Queen!

In my home, at least, I am the queen.

My home is not a castle by society's standards but it is regal and plush to those with less. I sometimes feel ostentatious when new people come to my home.

When I exit my royal bed chamber my loyal subjects rush to dote on me. As I ascend the staircase I point out toys and clothes strewn about and these same loyal subjects rush to put things in their places. My kingdom is seldom neat but always homey.

Occasionally I rule with an iron fist and the subjects feel less than loyal. They revolt and chaos erupts. At these times I must retire to a quiet place, a difficult task to be sure. Then I breathe and pray for strength to rule justly and lovingly.

Without my subjects I would be just another commoner. When I exit my castle into the world outside I still feel like royalty even though everyone else out there sees just another human being. Perhaps a little happier and more self-confident, even with a certain glow about me. That glow comes from inside. In my heart I know that I am a queen in my castle and that God has bestowed these blessings on me. I know that I (and all my fellow human beings) am worthy of His love because we are all created in His image.

I love my loyal subjects, actually the princes and princesses in my kingdom. I love my lord and husband. He would be my king but I have only one King, my Creator and Savior. I love Him, too.

More MySpace Blogs

Monday, December 08, 2008
Mary says..... Current mood: sympathetic
Mary is still my little philosopher. She is not feeling well this evening and is showing signs of a bladder infection beginning so we had to switch her back into pull-ups. She was near tears as I was getting her dressed. She pulled on the "diaper" and said, "No one wants to see this."

Monday, November 10, 2008
A revelation of my own
"I can see God crying while I was going through this (uterine rupture), wanting to help but knowing in His wisdom that I would become a stronger woman and closer to Him from this experience. It makes me think of how we, as mothers, must sometimes sit back and watch our children make their own mistakes no matter how badly we want to spare them the pain."

Kathleen Fellows
November 10, 2008